Religion, unfortunately for me, has not provided enough evidence to allow me to believe with certainty—though I can understand, in theory, the comfort one may find in believing.

I have observed, over the years, that many faithful people apply the “holy” book when it is convenient. When it is not, suddenly, the principles are gone. It may be cliché; it is what I have witnessed.

The path to integrating the experience into real life is not a straight line from A to B; it is a constant battle with ourselves to let go of very reasonable questions such as:

·       Why did it happen...

·       What ifs…

·       If only…

This invisible fight is never-ending—whether you are performing at work or unemployed, whether you are considered “successful” or not, whether you feel joy or not. If you are a highly emotional individual and have overthought since childhood, you will hear a small voice in your head at every moment, imagining how different life would have been if your loved one were still alive.

It takes a great deal of energy to see others still alive; it takes even more energy to see others - still breathing - who do not get along, as this was never the case for you. Because you truly believe that if someone has the chance to have their loved one alive, then they are luckier than you.

Again, advising—or worse, judging—something you have never experienced is dangerous for the person on the receiving end.

What about cognitive empathy, you may ask? It still remains mental, not lived.

Sufferings cannot be compared. Pain is not a competition.

To help, below is a list of things not to say to someone grieving the loss of a deeply loved one. The sequence is not important.

1.     “She/he would have liked you to be happy.” This is disrespectful toward the pain the survivor feels and places additional pressure on expediting a grieving process that takes time. The closer the loved one was, the longer it will take. 

2.     “Be strong.” Grieving has nothing to do with strength. This statement, even more on the day of the funeral, invalidates, pressures, and silences grief at a moment when permission to feel is most needed.

3.     “Have a child” or “adopt a pet.” Just like No. 1, this can feel disrespectful, as a child is not a parent or a sibling, and neither is a pet.

Based on my own limited life experience, I suspect that in our crazy, lonely, hyper-connected world—where no one takes the time to truly understand one another—animals can help tremendously. However, an animal is not a human and should not be considered as such. This can lead to anthropomorphism, which distorts responsibility. Projecting human traits onto animals may result in decisions that are emotionally driven rather than welfare-driven.

And this comes from a woman who actually speaks to animals and truly believes they are smarter than humans in many ways (learn about octopuses, for instance).

To sum up, here is what you can actually do:

·       Hold his/her hand.

·       Help with the paperwork mambo-jambo.

·       Bring healthy food.

·       Be present or call regularly—not a WhatsApp message, not a DM, but a simple call.

·       Listen to his/her tears.

·       Walk in nature with her/him.

·       Hug sincerely.

Be tolerant, because the next few weeks, months, and possibly years will be very challenging for the person who is grieving—especially if he/she is a highly emotional individual.

Depending on how deep the relationship was, he/she will feel disoriented. Sometimes the pain inside feels like an internal fire, consuming them. He/she will make many mistakes out of fear, pain, and loss. His/her certainties will disappear. Most of his/her energy—if he/she is highly emotional—will be spent containing powerful emotions in order not to hurt others.

And someone who pulls back when the pain is unbearable shows a sign of high empathy. That person understands they can no longer bring positive value during extremely difficult times. It takes not only courage, but also a deep understanding of one’s own limitations and selfless love for others.

PS: during a funeral, you do not need a holy book, only respectful common sense not to discuss business matters. During a funeral, making fun of the deceased person’s values—work and motivation—is not a good idea either, especially when that person welcomed you into their home on many, many occasions.